I’m having a moment

Tonight I am spiralling out of mental control. I am analysing and over-analysing my life, my goals, my body, my family, my reasons for doing all that I do and trying to figure out why I am doing it and who I am doing it for.

Tonight’s options as I saw them were A) go and have a shower and go to bed and everything will be fine tomorrow and I will just carry on doing what I am doing, or B) write that crazy shit down and share it with the world.

It all started tonight with my weekly group PT session, I took my little dude “Mr Just Turned 1” and asked my friend to bring her daughter to play with him. Whilst she did her best to entertain him, about 20 minutes into the class he got a glimpse of me and starting screaming, several attempts to calm him and get back to the class failed, I assumed he was probably tired, so I packed us up and went home, I don’t know about you but I can’t finish a workout hearing my baby crying.

The next thing that was getting me worked up was my daughter reading the Junk Mail toy catalogues and getting all excited about Christmas. I was trying to calm her down and say you can ask for things but you may not get them. How do you explain this to a 5 year old, who gets almost everything she asks for? I really want her to have a lean Christmas and not for any other reason than she has too much stuff. Last year after opening all her presents she said where are the rest, it made me want to cry.

So I thought my spiralling mental state was caused by an interrupted workout, upgraded by a spoilt 5 year old. I then started the plotting and planning with my husband as to his start time and when I might be able to get some kid free time at the gym, and I opted for 5am tomorrow, but really who wants to be at the gym at 5am.

The next mass of analysing and in no particular order:
why am I going to the gym so much;
I should be spending more time with my kids;
why do I feel guilty about working out;
why did I even contemplate taking little dude to an evening class, he needs to be home snuggling with a bottle;
why did I have lapband surgery when I still eat crap A LOT;
why am I dreaming of losing weight when I eat the wrong foods;
why can’t I be happy as I am and therefore stop going to the gym;
was I happier when I was fatter and inactive;
why am I nagging my husband to go to the gym when clearly it is not something he wants to do;
does he resent me for nagging him, when all I want is for him to be healthy;
why am I like I am;
why have I had such issues with food ALL MY LIFE;
why should I go to the gym at 5am, what is the point;
maybe I’m not spending enough quality time with my daughter and she is compensating by asking for things, you know PRESENCE not PRESENTS;
what can I eat RIGHT NOW, I’m upset so I deserve something;
would I be happy if I was at my goal weight;
why is my house such a mess, maybe I should spend less time at the gym and more time cleaning;
(I was vacuuming with tears whilst all these crazy thoughts were going around in my head)

I could keep going on ……….

Now amongst all of these negative thoughts I did have a few positives:
I go to the gym because I feel better after;
I’m really enjoying my indoor rowing and training for something (half marathon on the rower);
I prefer to workout for fitness not for weight loss;
I deserve a little ME time every once in a while;
I love to hate running;
running is stupid but now I can do it because I taught myself;
I enjoy being around people.

So there it is, tonight’s mind on a PLATTER (and there’s that food thing again).

Anyone care to share that they could be as loopy as me, don’t leave me hanging out here in crazy land all by myself.


4 thoughts on “I’m having a moment

  1. You’re definitely not alone Rach! Although I beat myself up for NOT going to the gym/working out. Sometimes everything seems too hard and you can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel… but it’s there, you just have to put things in perspective and definitely regularly schedule in some ‘me time’ away from the gym and home stresses xx

  2. I would have taken my bubba home too – don’t feel bad about that Rach.
    I also have many of these thoughts whirling around in my head too.
    P.S. I also cry about it all when I vacuum.

  3. Oh yeah … as loopy! I have no babies except furry ones, but if had, yep they would have been going home too. Crying when dusting, hoovering, cooking …. not so good when driving! Don’t be so hard on yourself. You sound like a fabulous person.
    Why is it we beat ourselves up so much? Why are there so few hours in the day? Why is everything and everyone so demanding of our time?
    There will never be enough time, and time goes so fast … seems like only yesterday I was looking at 40 thinking OMG, I never ever imagined being 40. Now I am a year away from 50!! And it truly does feel like only yesterday.
    Enjoy your loved ones, learn to let go of guilt – learn to love living in your own skin. Do what you love and find joy in everything you do if you can. I know that all sounds so cliched but it is true. Don’t let others drive you down. I have such history with my mother I could scream when I am with her sometimes, but why bother, life is too short and why make myself and her upset … I let it go.
    A lot of our feelings are a result of our thought processes … we think ourselves into a downward spiral. Think yourself back upwards.
    Grab life with both hands and enjoy it. Even the struggles and the bad days, like that song says, you can’t feel the highs if you don’t have the lows – just don’t linger in them!

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