My dirty little secret

Posted on September 27, 2015 by admin

Aaahhhh school holidays, a time that some mums love and some dread. I sit on the fence when it comes to school holidays. I enjoy doing the fun stuff with the kids, movies, play dates, lunching and just hanging at home and love the lack of schedule, no yelling and screaming to put shoes on grab bags, jumpers, hats (I’m sure you get the picture). But even with all the fun some days you just need an hour to yourself to have a shower, do a workout, plan or prepare dinner, I’m sure there are some mums nodding along with me (please tell me you are). And I am blessed that I can take the kids to work with me when I need to (the perks of working for family).

This holidays I have taken things to a whole new level of “falling off the wagon”.

The last day of school was a Friday which also coincided with my husband going on an overseas trip and a 7am drop off at the airport, this was all fine, followed by kids dropped at school/daycare on time and me heading off to work. On the way to work I realised I needed fuel in my car so I stopped to fill ‘er up. Well the sales and marketing people at Coles saw me coming, 2 family blocks of chocolate for $7 what a bargain and $2 large bags of chips, “I’ll have 2 bags of those thanks” after all it was Friday and people might pop in over the weekend (this is what I do to justify it to myself). And there began the downhill spiral that was the next 10 days.

On the way home from work I did a quick run to the bottle shop for some supplies for the week and promptly bragged jokingly about it on Instagram.

With a post that went something like this “Should be almost enough to get me through the 1st week of the #schoolholidays

Whilst I won’t bore you with the details of every morsel that I ate and drank, I’ll give you a list of what I can remember about my total debacle of a week* (*10 days).

3 family blocks of Cadbury chocolate
Somewhere in the vicinity of 4 large bags of chips
Half a litre of Ice Cream
2x Schnitzel Cotoletta (this is a chicken schnitzel topped with Bolognese meat and melted cheese, I didn’t even know it existed, epic find)
1 loaf of Sourdough in about 3 days often doused in butter and peanut butter (up to 3-4 pieces at a time)
Copious amounts of other bread products
KFC twister and Crusher
Movie popcorn (I shared it, because that makes it all better)
Double choc-top (because a single just wasn’t enough and it was barely past breakfast)
Several Frozen cokes
A bottle of champagne every night and 2 a night over this last weekend (I’m not an alcoholic, they go to meetings)
Late night cheese and crackers

And there was much more; many Chai lattes, a few Iced Chocolates, cakes, biscuits (that didn’t even taste that good), burgers with the whole bun on (gasp).

I was mindfully eating poorly at almost every meal. Sort of defeated the purpose of the last few weeks in cutting out sugar from my cups of Tea.

I’m not blaming any 1 thing for this out of control week* I was still a functioning adult, the kids were still well looked after mainly because of my dirty little secret.

The really bad shit comes out after dark.

I try not to eat the bad food in front of the kids, you know to set a good example and all that. When they ask for desert I like to respond with fruit and proceed to list everything that we have, they can also have yoghurt if we have any and on a very rare occasion a tube ice-block. So my house is not a barrage of junk because as you can see I often have no self control. The chocolate wouldn’t even get mentioned until they were fast asleep and really there was no-one to mention it to.

My ~~addiction~~ love of reality TV still continues and the latest season of The Biggest Loser Australia has just started. Whilst I was not in any way as BAD as the show made the contestants out to be, they were inhaling entire pizza’s while sitting alone in a car or consuming litres upon litres of ice-cream for breakfast, having a whole tray of lasagne for lunch that should feed a family, I was my own kind of BAD.

I would have to say this is my longest stint of BAD that I have had in over 5 years. Normally I can manage a good day or 2 in a BAD week, but for some reason I couldn’t get off this downhill spiral. I got to Thursday morning and thought it was almost the weekend, so why start now? Normally I can talk myself out of that mindset but not that day.

I even tampered with my own Typo light box motivational message.

But amongst all of these BAD food choices I was still exercising and setting goals, in fact setting some big ass goals. 1 of which was commencing training for a Marathon on the Concept 2 Indoor Rowing machine and the other signing up to compete in the primo 2k Rowing event a the upcoming Australian Indoor Rowing Championships (I’ve been retired from that event for the last 6 years). So in line with my new training regime I sat on the rower for an hour, my body was screaming at me, “what are you doing to yourself” but even that didn’t stop me eating crap shortly after.

So what have I gained from eating like a piggy? Well about 3 kilos, a continual bloated feeling and generally feeling quite down in the dumps.

What have I lost? The ability to fit in some of my clothes, my motivation and self esteem.

What am I going to do about it? Dust off the chip crumbs and get myself together. With another week of the school holidays to go and a long weekend thrown in there and a holiday coming up this can’t go on. Stop blaming little speed humps in my life, FOCUS on the positive, because there is a lot to be happy and positive about and maybe re-word my Typo light board. Any suggestion?

School Holiday fun with my cherubs.

I’m NOT with the Band

Posted on April 28, 2015 by admin

Twenty something years ago I was an amateur Band Manager and my Saturday night quote was “I’m with the Band”. My weekends were spent having a couple lot of drinks and watching live bands in some seedy awesome establishments.

Not actual band I managed, but they were almost as good.
Image Courtesy of http://www.rockbandaide.com

Fast forward 20 years and the only bands, I’m talking about are hair bands for my mummy bun and my daughters pigtails.

The other band I am not afraid to talk about is my Lapband or Gastric Band. I got my lapband in June 2010, (read about that here) because I didn’t want to be morbidly obese and pass on my poor food habits to my children. In the 10 years leading up to having my daughter I had put on 50kgs (read about that here). From having my Lapband in until now I have maintained a 22-25kg weight loss. I have no regrets.

But for the past few years my Lapband has been causing me grief with reflux that medication couldn’t always control. This in turn inflamed lower oesophagus and stomach ulcers (that I didn’t know I had), caused internal bleeding (which I didn’t know about) and these unknown complications potentially caused me to pass out while shopping one day with both my kids (5 and 1 year olds), really scary stuff. I was thankful to be in Athlete’s Foot Wollongong at the time buying school shoes for my daughter and I joked about the price of her shoes causing the fainting episode. The store owner, staff and random members of the public were amazingly helpful and the kids and I got a free ride in an ambulance.

Initially after some tests they thought my fainting was caused by dehydration and low blood pressure, which dropped substantially when going from lying to standing position. A follow up appointment with my doctor 2 days later and it was discovered that it was a combination of all of the above complications. So although the Lapband wasn’t the cause of this it was a bi-product.

So after the last few years of procrastinating about getting my Lapband fixed or removed it all came to a head and I made the decision to have it removed. I went in for surgery just before Easter for what was potentially a 1 or 2 night stay that turned into 3 nights. The surgeon did warn me that getting it out can be a longer recovery than putting it in and he was not wrong. I had really low blood pressure, blurred vision and vomiting and I felt just plain awful.

So 4 weeks post-surgery I am on the mend, I’m back to the gym on light weights and cardio, getting my head around eating well with no restrictions. I will see my surgeon again in 3 months and I have set a weight loss goal of 9kgs. I am focusing on low carb (not cutting carbs completely) and high protein style eating plan as per his recommendations and every other reputable trainer, coach, dietician etc I have ever met.

I am terrified of weight gain. I have just got to the point in my recovery where I am feeling hungry, I have passed through the liquid diet phase of my recovery and had my chocolate binge, milk and milo fix and ice-cream binges (because they are a liquid) and I have thankfully stopped that shenanigans.

My latest mantra is “Don’t waste the fortuity”, (because opportunity wouldn’t fit on my Typo Lightbox) I have to remember that the last almost 5 years with the Lapband have not been easy and I have slogged out countless hours of exercise, mummy guilt abandoning the family to go to the gym, emotional rollercoasters, stress, relationship struggles and wondering if I had done the right thing, to let it all slip away by eating and drinking stupidly.

Weight-loss is made in the kitchen so I am focusing on this primarily and exercise secondly because, honestly, the exercise for me is the easy part.

So the future is uncertain but I am going to give it my all now that I am no longer “with the Band”.

I’m having a moment

Posted on November 19, 2014 by admin

Tonight I am spiralling out of mental control. I am analysing and over-analysing my life, my goals, my body, my family, my reasons for doing all that I do and trying to figure out why I am doing it and who I am doing it for.

Tonight’s options as I saw them were A) go and have a shower and go to bed and everything will be fine tomorrow and I will just carry on doing what I am doing, or B) write that crazy shit down and share it with the world.

It all started tonight with my weekly group PT session, I took my little dude “Mr Just Turned 1” and asked my friend to bring her daughter to play with him. Whilst she did her best to entertain him, about 20 minutes into the class he got a glimpse of me and starting screaming, several attempts to calm him and get back to the class failed, I assumed he was probably tired, so I packed us up and went home, I don’t know about you but I can’t finish a workout hearing my baby crying.

The next thing that was getting me worked up was my daughter reading the Junk Mail toy catalogues and getting all excited about Christmas. I was trying to calm her down and say you can ask for things but you may not get them. How do you explain this to a 5 year old, who gets almost everything she asks for? I really want her to have a lean Christmas and not for any other reason than she has too much stuff. Last year after opening all her presents she said where are the rest, it made me want to cry.

So I thought my spiralling mental state was caused by an interrupted workout, upgraded by a spoilt 5 year old. I then started the plotting and planning with my husband as to his start time and when I might be able to get some kid free time at the gym, and I opted for 5am tomorrow, but really who wants to be at the gym at 5am.

The next mass of analysing and in no particular order:
why am I going to the gym so much;
I should be spending more time with my kids;
why do I feel guilty about working out;
why did I even contemplate taking little dude to an evening class, he needs to be home snuggling with a bottle;
why did I have lapband surgery when I still eat crap A LOT;
why am I dreaming of losing weight when I eat the wrong foods;
why can’t I be happy as I am and therefore stop going to the gym;
was I happier when I was fatter and inactive;
why am I nagging my husband to go to the gym when clearly it is not something he wants to do;
does he resent me for nagging him, when all I want is for him to be healthy;
why am I like I am;
why have I had such issues with food ALL MY LIFE;
why should I go to the gym at 5am, what is the point;
maybe I’m not spending enough quality time with my daughter and she is compensating by asking for things, you know PRESENCE not PRESENTS;
what can I eat RIGHT NOW, I’m upset so I deserve something;
would I be happy if I was at my goal weight;
why is my house such a mess, maybe I should spend less time at the gym and more time cleaning;
(I was vacuuming with tears whilst all these crazy thoughts were going around in my head)

I could keep going on ……….

Now amongst all of these negative thoughts I did have a few positives:
I go to the gym because I feel better after;
I’m really enjoying my indoor rowing and training for something (half marathon on the rower);
I prefer to workout for fitness not for weight loss;
I deserve a little ME time every once in a while;
I love to hate running;
running is stupid but now I can do it because I taught myself;
I enjoy being around people.

So there it is, tonight’s mind on a PLATTER (and there’s that food thing again).

Anyone care to share that they could be as loopy as me, don’t leave me hanging out here in crazy land all by myself.

The Year that Was 2012

Posted on January 6, 2013 by admin

To look back upon a year it is often hard to remember what you did, how you felt and just how far you have come, especially when you have mothers brain (yep blame the poor child for my lack of memory). Thankfully in this era of gadgets, social media and mobile apps it can help to trigger my memory.

The year started with some very vague ‘gonna lose weight and get fit’ resolutions, just like every other year.

January my trainer starting me on running in our regular weekly session – hell but I wanted to try.

When February came around and I had my 39^th Birthday I think a bit of impending OMG I’m 40 next year hit me and I wanted to achieve more than just lose weight and get fit, I needed some goals. So apart from wanting to be able to run, I wanted to be able to do a Triathlon like my trainer had been bugging me about.

I was not in a great state mentally, my relationship with my husband was not all rosy, it was not all bad either (probably difficult to be perfect when you are comparing it to my daily half hour of Bold and the Beautiful). I had not been diagnosed or medicated for anything but I was a little bit sad a lot of the time which was very unlike me. I had seen a counsellor a few times which helped, basically I talked (a lot) and she listened and gave me some non-judgemental guidance on how to turn negative thoughts around. It’s not something that is easy to tell people, but it should not be taboo to talk to a professional, without which I would say was a potential trip to the loony bin. We seek out professionals them out in all other aspects of our life so why not our mental health.

Exercise also became an outlet as did my reconnection with music once I figured out my gadgetry. I went from running/exercising with my Android phone for GPS/distance, Ipod for music and Heart Rate monitor and managed to get it down to HR monitor and phone with music/GPS on it.

Some people will say why all the gadgets, I am a numbers person, I need to know my numbers which is why I have enjoyed my Indoor Rowing for the past 6 years, it is all numbers in front of you and you can constantly adjust to improve your time/speed/distance. So I wanted the same from my running and cycling. We have all this modern technology so why not use it.

I know that exercise has all the medical benefits of improving your heart, lungs blah blah blah, but I was also enjoying the improved mental state. I am pleased to say that this year and my exercise has improved my ‘head’ and I am back to my happy self (most of the time).

So continuing on with my training and goal of doing a Triathlon, I won’t bore you with all the details of how I got to be able to run you can read about that in my Couch to 5k post but it was a big achievement to do and if I can do it anyone can, you may do it slower or faster than me but just keep trying.

As the year cracked on so did my desire and panic about doing the Triathlon, I had bought myself a new bike, I went from a super cruiser heavy weight to an ultra-light racing bike with the skinny wheels and those hanging down handles (yes very technical I know but upon researching bikes I realise it was like learning a whole other language, I don’t have time for that). I loved the new bike, once I got used to it and again plugged into my music would enjoy going for a ride. I have not really ‘trained’ for the bike, I just get on and ride, I assumed that all other training I am doing would improve my cycling as well.

The 1 thing I left til last was my swimming; it is such pain to swim, shower, wash (long) hair, style hair, get ready for work not in the comfort of your own bathroom and if I didn’t get it done in the mornings then I wouldn’t do it. Not to mention I found it boooring, no music to keep me company. I started back swimming in June 2012 and only did 1-2 swims each month, my goal was to just get through the swim leg of the triathlon alive, awesome goal setting. So I would dive in the pool, swim 300m and then go, ok I’m alive, do a few more laps for ‘training’ purposes and call it done. I am pleased to say I can now do 500m no problems (not fast) and a training session usually consists of 1500m before I get bored, I have been swimming in Ocean pools, indoor heated and outdoor heated Olympic pools and 1 time in a harbour. My next challenge is to do some Open Water swimming to train for any Triathlons that may not be in the luxury of a Harbour and certainly very very few are in the “Princess” comfort of an Olympic pool.

So to look at my milestones this year:

Running – I could not run more than about 200m without stopping to walk and have now done numerous 5k training and even a 6k training run. Even managed to do some treadmill running which I vowed I would never do.

Swimming – I used to swim 50m and stop every single lap for a rest, can now swim 500m non-stop, probably more if I tried and can do 1500m in a training session.

Bike – New bike, much faster and easier to go longer distance, my cleats and I are having a love hate relationship. I don’t train for the bike, just get on and ride. Biggest ride was only 24k from memory, I just lack the time to do more. Mostly my bike ‘Juliet’ and I are happy together.

Indoor Rowing – Held onto my State Championship title in the 500m and 4 minute distances and at last glance I still held my World Rankings of 22^nd and 4^th respectively (the Rowing year has not finished yet). See more about that here.

Weight Loss – I dare not go there but I will, I have to. So according to my weight tracking app and cross referenced with my own spreadsheet, it would appear that I started the year 2012 at around 110.5kgs, I dropped down to about 105-106 at my lowest throughout the year but finished it off after the Christmas binge at 109.8, however I am please to report that the Christmas Kilo’s are coming off almost as fast as they went on and I am really trying to eat well.

Goals – when I actually put my Goals out in Blogland in August 2012 I had already started working towards them, but never fully believing that they will all happen and like anything need to be tweaked.
No.1 was the work, life, workout and family balancing act. I am hoping I have done that Ok (I won’t profess to being mother or wife of the year), perhaps I should ask Miss 3 and hubby to comment on this.
No.2 was the Pink Triathlon, read about it here, but in short I DID IT!!.
No.3 was the National Indoor Rowing Championships, my training was not optimum for this event, too much focus on the Tri but I had a good crack at it, read about it here.
No.4 was the Mud Run a 7+ klm trail run with mud and other obstacles, heaps of fun, I finished it, read about it here.

Full length photo taken in Dec 2012

I am pleased to say that apart from my weight loss goal I have achieved all my others, through many ups and downs that life throws at you and battling my own emotions and insecurities.

I must say I have never had as many compliments as I have had this year regarding my appearance and I appreciate every single 1 of them. I know with all my training I am changing body shape, however it is sometimes hard to receive a “you look great, how much weight have you lost” compliment when you have lost only a miniscule amount or nothing. Weight loss is something I hope to seriously tackle this year (yes I’m saying it again like I have for the last 20 years).

Happy New Year to all my friends, family and followers and I hope 2013 is your best year yet. Set some goals, you never know what might happen.

The Week that Was – short and sweet

Posted on December 30, 2012 by admin

So to follow on from a fairly good week of exercise last week and with the interruption of Christmas and Boxing Day eat-a-thons, here is my week in short.

Monday – did a little swim in the lake, practicing open water techniques, for which I have no idea, in the afternoon I got back on my bike with cleats and had a much more confident 17k cycle.

Tuesday – Christmas Day – eat drink and be Merry

Wednesday – Boxing Day – eat drink and be more Merry

Thursday – rolled out of bed whinging about how bloated I felt, then when I stopped feeling bloated I ate some more.

Friday – back on the exercise wagon, short cycle to Ocean pool to meet up with a training buddy and my Personal trainer, 400m swim, 3k run (with hills), 400m swim, skim chai latte and short cycle home. Felt great to get such an awesome workout in before work.

Saturday – no exercise.

Sunday – 3x 500m in the ocean pool, came home and ate some more.

Can anyone see a pattern here? Although I managed a few good workouts, I am pretty sure they were voided by the eating. Evil chocolates are taunting me. I am hoping that with the New Year I will click back into being good. I am on the downhill countdown to the BIG 4 0 with about 6 weeks to go and although I am confident I am fitter and will complete my fitness goals (slowly but surely) I really want to see double digits on the scales – 99kgs here I come.

The Acronym’s in my life…..

Posted on September 1, 2012 by admin

To give you some idea on what I have been doing in recent years:

I had involved the services of Personal Trainer and have been seeing him since early 2006.

6 months prior to our Wedding which was in early 2008 my trainer and I had instigated a program called N.F.B. – “No Fat Bride”. My PT sessions were up to 4 days a week, involving cycling (most days) 15-20 minutes to see him and then doing around a 1 hour session and cycling home again. During this time my weight went from around 130kgs to 124kgs (not much of a loss really) for a 6 months of slogging it out.

Here is me blossoming around the 130 kilo range.

As much as my trainer could help with my exercise and fitness, he could not control the “Kitchen”, my eating, take-away and dining out.

I have since found out we would have been considered a D.I.N.K “double income no kids”; this was the lifestyle that we were leading.

I love food, I love it to be tasty, I love entrees main and dessert, I don’t like to give up any 1 course, I love buffets (once at a buffet I ate 12 different pieces of dessert and bragged about it), we nearly always had 3 courses plus bread any time we went out, I would never choose from a low fat option (if there was one) and very rarely we might share a course. We would often dine out for breakfast, lunch and dinner on the weekends and a few times throughout the week. It has not been formally diagnosed but I would say I, like many others, have a “Food Addiction”, it is my drug of choice. All of this often washed down with copious amounts of alcohol.

I have learned recently (and probably knew before this, but didn’t want to believe it) that weight loss is approximately 70% food related and only 30% exercise related and it is so true, different things you read will say 80/20, 60/40 but the end result is food is key, exercise is an aid.

I continued to exercise and also continued to eat. Therefore the results were so slow and often non-existent. I didn’t know how to have balance in my life.

I have since realised and been diagnosed, by my husband, with severe F.O.M.O. “fear of missing out”, humorous but true, after he said those words to me I really really thought about my eating habits, I wanted to eat what I was having and what he was having, if someone said Ice cream, regardless of if I wanted it or not I would say yes of course I want Ice-cream, same goes for any other food, chips, chocolate, hamburgers etc etc etc the list goes on, massive cases of FOMO all the time. I also had “Food Envy” if someone else’s meal came out and it looked better than mine dare I say I was jealous. I would never share my food, and would secretly get offended if someone would ask for a bite and god help them if they took more than a taste. I am pretty sure I roared like an Ogre protecting his swamp. (Yes I have been watching too much Shrek lately)

So how have I made all of these revelations and got to where I am now?

Well I would say Lap-banding has helped immensely, you just can’t eat 3 courses, you can’t eat huge main meals, so I quickly learned that to avoid missing out and to enable my FOMO that hubby and I could share 3 courses and therefore have a taste of more meals. Bread, as much as I loved it, was the enemy, you were way too full too quickly, the same with chips/fries, you did not have to avoid at all costs but eat the good stuff first and have a couple of chips at the end, what I found was that I generally didn’t want the chips at the end, for 2 reasons, 1 that I was full from eating the good stuff and secondly the chips were cold and who wants to eat cold fries.

In hindsight and probably even now I should involve the services of a Psychologist to understand why I think like I do. It’s all in your H.E.A.D. “highly educated aid to dieting” just made that 1 up.

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