I’m having a moment

Tonight I am spiralling out of mental control. I am analysing and over-analysing my life, my goals, my body, my family, my reasons for doing all that I do and trying to figure out why I am doing it and who I am doing it for.

Tonight’s options as I saw them were A) go and have a shower and go to bed and everything will be fine tomorrow and I will just carry on doing what I am doing, or B) write that crazy shit down and share it with the world.

It all started tonight with my weekly group PT session, I took my little dude “Mr Just Turned 1” and asked my friend to bring her daughter to play with him. Whilst she did her best to entertain him, about 20 minutes into the class he got a glimpse of me and starting screaming, several attempts to calm him and get back to the class failed, I assumed he was probably tired, so I packed us up and went home, I don’t know about you but I can’t finish a workout hearing my baby crying.

The next thing that was getting me worked up was my daughter reading the Junk Mail toy catalogues and getting all excited about Christmas. I was trying to calm her down and say you can ask for things but you may not get them. How do you explain this to a 5 year old, who gets almost everything she asks for? I really want her to have a lean Christmas and not for any other reason than she has too much stuff. Last year after opening all her presents she said where are the rest, it made me want to cry.

So I thought my spiralling mental state was caused by an interrupted workout, upgraded by a spoilt 5 year old. I then started the plotting and planning with my husband as to his start time and when I might be able to get some kid free time at the gym, and I opted for 5am tomorrow, but really who wants to be at the gym at 5am.

The next mass of analysing and in no particular order:
why am I going to the gym so much;
I should be spending more time with my kids;
why do I feel guilty about working out;
why did I even contemplate taking little dude to an evening class, he needs to be home snuggling with a bottle;
why did I have lapband surgery when I still eat crap A LOT;
why am I dreaming of losing weight when I eat the wrong foods;
why can’t I be happy as I am and therefore stop going to the gym;
was I happier when I was fatter and inactive;
why am I nagging my husband to go to the gym when clearly it is not something he wants to do;
does he resent me for nagging him, when all I want is for him to be healthy;
why am I like I am;
why have I had such issues with food ALL MY LIFE;
why should I go to the gym at 5am, what is the point;
maybe I’m not spending enough quality time with my daughter and she is compensating by asking for things, you know PRESENCE not PRESENTS;
what can I eat RIGHT NOW, I’m upset so I deserve something;
would I be happy if I was at my goal weight;
why is my house such a mess, maybe I should spend less time at the gym and more time cleaning;
(I was vacuuming with tears whilst all these crazy thoughts were going around in my head)

I could keep going on ……….

Now amongst all of these negative thoughts I did have a few positives:
I go to the gym because I feel better after;
I’m really enjoying my indoor rowing and training for something (half marathon on the rower);
I prefer to workout for fitness not for weight loss;
I deserve a little ME time every once in a while;
I love to hate running;
running is stupid but now I can do it because I taught myself;
I enjoy being around people.

So there it is, tonight’s mind on a PLATTER (and there’s that food thing again).

Anyone care to share that they could be as loopy as me, don’t leave me hanging out here in crazy land all by myself.

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The Year that Was 2012

To look back upon a year it is often hard to remember what you did, how you felt and just how far you have come, especially when you have mothers brain (yep blame the poor child for my lack of memory). Thankfully in this era of gadgets, social media and mobile apps it can help to trigger my memory.

The year started with some very vague ‘gonna lose weight and get fit’ resolutions, just like every other year.

January my trainer starting me on running in our regular weekly session – hell but I wanted to try.

When February came around and I had my 39th Birthday I think a bit of impending OMG I’m 40 next year hit me and I wanted to achieve more than just lose weight and get fit, I needed some goals. So apart from wanting to be able to run, I wanted to be able to do a Triathlon like my trainer had been bugging me about.

I was not in a great state mentally, my relationship with my husband was not all rosy, it was not all bad either (probably difficult to be perfect when you are comparing it to my daily half hour of Bold and the Beautiful). I had not been diagnosed or medicated for anything but I was a little bit sad a lot of the time which was very unlike me. I had seen a counsellor a few times which helped, basically I talked (a lot) and she listened and gave me some non-judgemental guidance on how to turn negative thoughts around. It’s not something that is easy to tell people, but it should not be taboo to talk to a professional, without which I would say was a potential trip to the loony bin. We seek out professionals them out in all other aspects of our life so why not our mental health.

Exercise also became an outlet as did my reconnection with music once I figured out my gadgetry. I went from running/exercising with my Android phone for GPS/distance, Ipod for music and Heart Rate monitor and managed to get it down to HR monitor and phone with music/GPS on it.

Some people will say why all the gadgets, I am a numbers person, I need to know my numbers which is why I have enjoyed my Indoor Rowing for the past 6 years, it is all numbers in front of you and you can constantly adjust to improve your time/speed/distance. So I wanted the same from my running and cycling. We have all this modern technology so why not use it.

I know that exercise has all the medical benefits of improving your heart, lungs blah blah blah, but I was also enjoying the improved mental state. I am pleased to say that this year and my exercise has improved my ‘head’ and I am back to my happy self (most of the time).

So continuing on with my training and goal of doing a Triathlon, I won’t bore you with all the details of how I got to be able to run you can read about that in my Couch to 5k post but it was a big achievement to do and if I can do it anyone can, you may do it slower or faster than me but just keep trying.

As the year cracked on so did my desire and panic about doing the Triathlon, I had bought myself a new bike, I went from a super cruiser heavy weight to an ultra-light racing bike with the skinny wheels and those hanging down handles (yes very technical I know but upon researching bikes I realise it was like learning a whole other language, I don’t have time for that). I loved the new bike, once I got used to it and again plugged into my music would enjoy going for a ride. I have not really ‘trained’ for the bike, I just get on and ride, I assumed that all other training I am doing would improve my cycling as well.

The 1 thing I left til last was my swimming; it is such pain to swim, shower, wash (long) hair, style hair, get ready for work not in the comfort of your own bathroom and if I didn’t get it done in the mornings then I wouldn’t do it. Not to mention I found it boooring, no music to keep me company. I started back swimming in June 2012 and only did 1-2 swims each month, my goal was to just get through the swim leg of the triathlon alive, awesome goal setting. So I would dive in the pool, swim 300m and then go, ok I’m alive, do a few more laps for ‘training’ purposes and call it done. I am pleased to say I can now do 500m no problems (not fast) and a training session usually consists of 1500m before I get bored, I have been swimming in Ocean pools, indoor heated and outdoor heated Olympic pools and 1 time in a harbour. My next challenge is to do some Open Water swimming to train for any Triathlons that may not be in the luxury of a Harbour and certainly very very few are in the “Princess” comfort of an Olympic pool.

So to look at my milestones this year:

Running – I could not run more than about 200m without stopping to walk and have now done numerous 5k training and even a 6k training run. Even managed to do some treadmill running which I vowed I would never do.

Swimming – I used to swim 50m and stop every single lap for a rest, can now swim 500m non-stop, probably more if I tried and can do 1500m in a training session.

Bike – New bike, much faster and easier to go longer distance, my cleats and I are having a love hate relationship. I don’t train for the bike, just get on and ride. Biggest ride was only 24k from memory, I just lack the time to do more. Mostly my bike ‘Juliet’ and I are happy together.

Indoor Rowing – Held onto my State Championship title in the 500m and 4 minute distances and at last glance I still held my World Rankings of 22nd and 4th respectively (the Rowing year has not finished yet). See more about that here.

Weight Loss – I dare not go there but I will, I have to. So according to my weight tracking app and cross referenced with my own spreadsheet, it would appear that I started the year 2012 at around 110.5kgs, I dropped down to about 105-106 at my lowest throughout the year but finished it off after the Christmas binge at 109.8, however I am please to report that the Christmas Kilo’s are coming off almost as fast as they went on and I am really trying to eat well.

Goals – when I actually put my Goals out in Blogland in August 2012 I had already started working towards them, but never fully believing that they will all happen and like anything need to be tweaked.
No.1 was the work, life, workout and family balancing act. I am hoping I have done that Ok (I won’t profess to being mother or wife of the year), perhaps I should ask Miss 3 and hubby to comment on this.
No.2 was the Pink Triathlon, read about it here, but in short I DID IT!!.
No.3 was the National Indoor Rowing Championships, my training was not optimum for this event, too much focus on the Tri but I had a good crack at it, read about it here.
No.4 was the Mud Run a 7+ klm trail run with mud and other obstacles, heaps of fun, I finished it, read about it here.

Full length photo taken in Dec 2012

Full length photo taken in Dec 2012

I am pleased to say that apart from my weight loss goal I have achieved all my others, through many ups and downs that life throws at you and battling my own emotions and insecurities.

I must say I have never had as many compliments as I have had this year regarding my appearance and I appreciate every single 1 of them. I know with all my training I am changing body shape, however it is sometimes hard to receive a “you look great, how much weight have you lost” compliment when you have lost only a miniscule amount or nothing. Weight loss is something I hope to seriously tackle this year (yes I’m saying it again like I have for the last 20 years).

Happy New Year to all my friends, family and followers and I hope 2013 is your best year yet. Set some goals, you never know what might happen.

The Week that Was – short and sweet

So to follow on from a fairly good week of exercise last week and with the interruption of Christmas and Boxing Day eat-a-thons, here is my week in short.

Monday – did a little swim in the lake, practicing open water techniques, for which I have no idea, in the afternoon I got back on my bike with cleats and had a much more confident 17k cycle.

Tuesday – Christmas Day – eat drink and be Merry

Wednesday – Boxing Day – eat drink and be more Merry

Thursday – rolled out of bed whinging about how bloated I felt, then when I stopped feeling bloated I ate some more.

Friday – back on the exercise wagon, short cycle to Ocean pool to meet up with a training buddy and my Personal trainer, 400m swim, 3k run (with hills), 400m swim, skim chai latte and short cycle home. Felt great to get such an awesome workout in before work.

Saturday – no exercise.

Sunday – 3x 500m in the ocean pool, came home and ate some more.

Can anyone see a pattern here? Although I managed a few good workouts, I am pretty sure they were voided by the eating. Evil chocolates are taunting me. I am hoping that with the New Year I will click back into being good. I am on the downhill countdown to the BIG 4 0 with about 6 weeks to go and although I am confident I am fitter and will complete my fitness goals (slowly but surely) I really want to see double digits on the scales – 99kgs here I come.

TheThe Week that Was – Finally kicking it up a notch

So finally I got off to a great start this week.

Monday, I did a morning swim, 1500m including drills. Afternoon I did a mixed cardio and strength session with my PT.

Tuesday a hectic morning/day, took Miss 3 to her swimming lesson and then headed to post office and gym, so picture an armful of different bags, parcels, her swimming bag, my gym stuff and her snack bag and my handbag, (I looked like a pack horse when I left the house). Did a good 30 minute cardio including 15 mins interval running on the treadmill which up until 2 weeks ago I vowed I would never do. With a bit of persistence from my trainer at the Gym she said just do 5 minutes, which I have now built up to 15 minutes and I have to eat my words because I am enjoying it.
I headed home for a quick shower and then drove an hour to visit my nephew for his 13th birthday and took him and his bro (9) and sis (14) along with Miss 3 out for McDonalds and then to the park for a play. I love that these kids are so energetic and a little bit competitive. I was telling them about the Mud Run and convincing them to do at least the kids run next year and they wanted me to time them doing obstacles around the playground, over the logs, across the monkey bars, up the ramp, down the slippery dip and running around the swings and up an over picnic chairs. It was a stinking hot day and we were the only group at the playground, they had so much fun and Miss 3 was following them around like a mad girl. The funny thing was every time they went to go down the slide they got a static electric shock off the metal, I told them to toughen up. Then they did running races with Miss 3 and pretended to fall over so she could win. Such a fun day, I wish I saw them more.

Wednesday after work I headed out to Wollongong Harbour where the local Tri club was doing a training session for the upcoming Aquathon, a swim/run event. So the full training was a 500m swim and 5k run. I asked hubby if he would like to come and bring Miss 3 to the playground nearby and take her for Fish and Chips.
The swim was in the harbour but there was a wicked wind blowing and there was a pretty good swell. I can’t remember the last time I SWAM (properly) in anything other than a pool, so this was a struggle. I managed to do about 350m, I probably could have done the whole thing but I was conscious of my family waiting for me and that I would be the last 1 in the water if I didn’t cut my 2nd lap short, something that was not appealing to me right on dusk. Then I headed out for the run, I could see Miss 3 was really whingy and tired so I made the decision to cut this short as well and probably did about 3k, again I struggled, a few little hills really got me and I tried to go a bit faster than normal so got puffed and had to do a few walks throughout the run. But it is all training so glad I did it.

Thursday I headed to the gym for a weights and abs session and then took Miss 3 to the local pool for a swim and catch-up with some of my Mothers Group friends. Myself and another mother did some swapping babysitting and she headed off to do some laps and then I did the same, such a great way to train when 2 people have like-minded goals. I just did a quick 500m.

Friday I allowed myself a day of rest.

Sat and Sunday, no workouts but a massive amount of cleaning and incidental moving, getting the house ready for Christmas. In honour of my family descending up on us on Boxing Day I wrote a poem in appreciation of those who host Christmas each year especially my mum and MIL, both amazing ladies.

Twas the weekend before Christmas
and all through the house
nobody was relaxing….
We were cleaning the house

The cooking and baking
created a mess
So we clean again?
Again, I said “Yes”

We normally go
to somebody’s house
And this year they say
We’ll come, it’ll be grouse

I clean out the shed
For somewhere to dine
Our house is too small
The shed will be fine

Plotting and planning
How many to seat
To make it look pretty
I’m gonna be beat

The toilets are scrubbed
I’ve added blu-loo
And we’ve cleaned the spiders
Off the furniture too.

“Don’t do that
stop making mess
Mummy get cranky
And have a big stress”

So thanks to our mums
Who do it each year
To keep us all fed
And we say “Were Here”

To finish off my Weekly Wrap I managed to get Miss 3 to visit Santa and convince my friend Cindy to bring her son Brae for our 2nd annual Christmas snap with Santa, it’s not getting any better, but it’s still funny, hopefully next year……..

Is it sad when the mum's are having more fun than the kids?

Is it sad when the mum’s are having more fun than the kids?